Father’s Day

Today is Father’s Day, and last night someone who called in to place an order with the company I work for said don’t forget to go out and buy your father a gift for father’s day.  I just said I won’t and ended the call before I could choke on my tears.  My father passed away back in August of 2009 and not a day goes by that I don’t miss him.  He was only 50 years old and taken from us too soon and so suddenly that I had dreams that it was just a horrible nightmare.  I went through some of the stages quickly, denial was the quickest.  It had to be at the time.  Anger stayed for a bit, I was still at the hospital when I was hit with Anger, I blamed Dad, asking how he could leave my mom.  Then I blamed God.  Then I blamed myself.  I should have known it was a heart attack.  I should have seen some sign.  I never really moved from Anger, I still have bouts of it, and blame myself.  On days like today.  The day he died he asked if I had bought him his bike rack for his 5th wheel yet… I said maybe… and left it at that…  I had… I was going to wait for it to show up and give it to him… It showed up on the day we buried him…  It still sits unopened it its box in the camper where we put it…  That Black Friday hurt almost as much as seeing the gift I never got to give dad, because all of a sudden the things I wanted to buy him were now within my price range and budget… A Record to CD Burner, the Beetle’s complete collection… all there and the person I wanted to buy them for was not… The cds I bought him that day still sit unopened, the silly whistle I bought for him sits in my procession in a little box next to a bullet shell fired for his 21 shot salute.  And all we have now are memories and pictures, and not very many pictures.  I don’t care if the memories are good or bad, I wouldn’t give them up for anything.  I still am moving through the stages almost 3 years later, seeing some people who are evil still breathing, publishing each and every one of my stories are bittersweet.  He would have read every single word.  I base my characters off my parents.  Their love is a story for the ages.  This new book I am working on though, I can’t tell if the Hero is who the I am writing as the Hero, I tend to remove him from huge chunks for the book.  My female characters are mostly based on my mom with a little of my personality thrown in for good measure.  So the question remains if I could give my dad a gift today what would it be… honestly it might be cd or movie.  I miss him so much.    But mostly today I would want to say:  I know I have been rude many times, even mean, sometimes I wonder if you knew how much I really cared, how much I will always care, today I would love to tell you how much you meant to me, how you made me who I am. Today I want to thank you for your love and for always being there. Today I want to tell you I love you to your face, those words I barely said out loud, but I can’t, God took you home before I was ready for you to leave, and I miss you more and more each day. I love you dad, and wish you were here with me today and everyday. Happy Father’s Day.

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