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In a blink life can change. I sit here in contemplation as I stare out the window on this plane. This flight from change.
I close my eyes and I see my white picket fence, my happily ever after. The ending of my hard lived fairy tale. I fear the change now. I fear what happened after the happily ever after. I closed my fist around the box I have had in my hand this whole journey.
The enclosure that holds a gold band that symbolized the trading of my last name for another. What a trade it was. To shed my past for a future I saw only full of happiness, never imagining the pain it would cause as it changed through the life I was living. I have the papers to make the change back to my old name.
But instead of facing it, I stared at the blacktop roads for hours running from that change, just to get on a plane out of the country to avoid it all. Back to my home, hoping to ignore my failure.
I remember the tense feeling of the room when I walked into my bedroom. I had left work early for a doctor’s appointment. I was pregnant. I saw him with her. I spit out three words ‘We are done.’ I walked out.
But now I flee from the change. I hold the papers but fear signing them. Fear the change it will bring in my life. Perhaps when I stop running I will be able to face it. But for now, I run, to protect my mind as my heart breaks and my soul weeps.
For now I run from change, but I know one day I will have to stop running. But today is not that day.