Praying Chapter One

“I was born in holy water, and forged in the fires of hell. May God’s love have mercy upon my damaged soul.”

Piss yellow. That is what the color was of the cheap tequila that sat in the shot glass. What was it about tequila that had such a calling to her when her world was crashing down? Lysandra went right to the closest bar, which may not have been the best thing to do, the moment she left the hospital. Again, not the most brilliant plan, but she could not handle the news she got while she was sober. Not tonight. Thirty-six hours ago, life was perfect.

Well, as perfect as it could be, given that humans aren’t perfect. It is a genetic flaw that humanity is too human. She shook her head. She could not fall into a philosophical thought right now. Right now, she just wanted to be drunk. Maybe find someone to make her feel something other than numb. A healthy way to process this news? Nope. But she did not care. She was her father’s daughter.

They had called her saying her parents were in a car accident. She did not even notice how many traffic laws she broke driving from Chicago to Iowa City, where the hospital had flown their parents. Once she got there, it was chaos. It was a billion questions thrown at her the second she walked in the door. She finally answered all the questions. It seemed like a fog came over her, and she could only stumble through the motions; and they turned machines off. Organs donated. And she got her siblings home and into bed. Then she found herself on a bar stool at Jo’s Pool Hall. And more than just drunk from the piss yellow cheap tequila. All while trying to figure out what the next step was; because the next step was not to continue, as if their world had not stopped spinning for the moment.

She downed the shot without a grimace as the piss yellow liquid lost its flavor and bite after the sixth shot. She slammed down the shot glass and threw some cash on the bar. She had to stop drinking. She had to get home. For one simple reason…

Tomorrow was going to be hell.

Lysandra looked at her siblings. She came home to find them there, waiting. She swallowed as they all looked at her. They were looking at her for guidance. Something she never wanted. She never wanted someone to look at her like she should have all the answers. Suddenly, she was the matriarch of the family. And she had to say something. “I will make mistakes. I am still trying to face ones of my past. I don’t have words for this. I never imagined we would be in this spot. I never imagined I would be single and the matriarch of our family. I never thought I would have to step up. Not like this. But I will take the weight, so you aren’t left dealing with anything. Who am I to question anything? Who am I to question why this happened? But I do. I will question why. And I expect you all to do so. But I will stand by you all until the end.” She looked at them and had to be fully honest.

“I can’t comfort you because we all had our hearts ripped out. I will not hide my pain from you. But I will be beside you as we deal with our grief. I will talk to the funeral home. The cemetery. I will do all that. I won’t ever lay it on any of you. There is nothing I won’t do for you. But I just ask for time alone sometimes. We will have to fight to get through this change. But we will do it together. That, I swear. I swear to you we will make it through this stronger than ever. We are Tiburtinuses. Put us through the flames of Hell and we come out stronger than ever.”

She moved and bent in front of her youngest siblings. Lucius and Lucian were only seventeen and fourteen. “And I swear I will stand by your side and not uproot you. I turned down Yale. We will stay home. There are many things I can do while you guys finish your childhood. And never feel guilty. We will rise through the dark, we will rise through the hell fires, we will rise above our grief, and we will make it back into the light. And I won’t ever allow you to miss out on what the rest of us have gotten a chance to experience. There are no reasons why this happened. You just have to believe God has his plan, whatever it is. And if you can’t believe that, believe that I will never let you down; believe in me. For no matter how hot the fires of our grief are, I will be there every step of the way through hell into the light of life.” She took their hands.

“I don’t have all the answers. I will make mistakes. But I will never leave you; and I will always be by your side. Even if I don’t always say the right words. But this weight? I will take it so you are stronger. I adore you. You five are my life and soul. Between you and even Brian, there is no choice. You five always win. Between you and Yale? Always you. We will rise and we will be stronger. That I swear on my soul. Don’t hide your pain. Don’t hide the way you deal with that pain. We will be by each other’s sides until the end. So, if you can’t find your faith in God, then find your faith in me. Because there is nothing, I won’t do for you.” She stood and kissed Lucian’s head, then Lucius’s. She looked at the older ones. “Let’s get some sleep. The community will pay their respects tomorrow. And they will expect to see all of us.” She kissed the other’s heads.

After she made sure they were in bed, she went to stand on the porch. She looked up at the stars. She gave a sad smile. She remembered her obsession with them when she was four. Her dad had bought maps and books and helped her learn about each and every star. And the myths surrounding all the constellations. She knew it all. A quirk of hers. She was still just as obsessed with myths as she was then; except myths did not pay the bills, and she had much more powerful ambitions than being a professor. No, she wanted to change the world. And she was a sucker for power. That she knew. That she accepted. For as much as she loved the stars, she loved the world just as much. She wanted power. And she would fight to gain power to achieve her goals. But never at the cost of her siblings. Never. She shivered as she wrapped the sweater she grabbed around her tighter. The stillness of the night was suddenly disturbed by a breeze of night frozen air.

Lysandra hated the cold. The chill in the air was unusual on an Iowa summer night; but it went bone deep. She was sure it was just grief. But she hated the cold. Heat was easy to deal with; she could strip off her clothes and lie in the bed of the truck, or on the hood of one of her cars, and get a tan. Or she could strip and dive into the pool, or the lake just down the road. When she dives deep into the cool water, she would come back to the surface feeling refreshed. Like the glacial lake water washed away, just for the moment, all the weight on her shoulders.

But the cold… she shivered as she wrapped her arms around herself; the cold was hell. For the cold, there was nothing she could do to escape that. It clutched at her like death’s claws and laughed at her as her lips turned blue. She had been in a few places, where no matter the layers, no matter the body heat, and no matter the temperature, the cold went deep into her bones as if preparing her for death. Each time she fought the cold of death. But the cold filling her bones tonight was a different type. It was not the fear of death. No, she knew that cold all too well in the spots she had been in during her time in the Army. No, this cold was a deep soul cutting grief that comes with losing one’s parents. Something almost every child must go through but does not make the grief any easier to deal with. And that cold? She did not know exactly how to fight.

She turned to a noise and found Lucian standing at the door. She held out her arms, and he dived into her arms. She held him tight as he curled into her arms to lay his head on her shoulder. Already the boy was going to be taller than her, that much was clear. She kissed his head. “Don’t worry, sweet. We will get through this, I swear to you, on the remaining bits of my soul.”

Lucian squeezed her tighter and cried. He did not know exactly what lay ahead, but he knew as long as he had Lysandra, he would make it out of this abyss of despair. And he let go, and he just let his sister hold him and take the weight of his grief.

It may be selfish to expect her to take the weight of everything, but he, and his other siblings, just did not know how to process this change in their life, not without her standing there as strong as the Earth, that takes every hurt and still only giving love and life.

Lysandra did not know how long they stood there. But she could feel it when he was about to fall asleep. “Come on, sweet, you can sleep in my room. I will take my couch.” She kissed his head. She did not know what tomorrow would bring, but she knew it may very well push her to her limits, but she could not let her siblings see her break. She could not show that weakness, not to them. They needed her to be strong and steady, to take the weight of everything and not buckle. And for them, for the only people she really truly loved, she would take the weight of the world from Atlas; if it helped them survive this tragic event. She just hoped she did not break before the weight became manageable. Before her siblings could walk upon their own out of their grief, no matter what it took, she would not let the weight of her world break her. For them, she would soldier on, just like she did when she went to war.

The next morning, the world seemed to mock them. It was a nice, sunny, perfect summer day in Iowa. Lysandra had not slept; she could not rest. She took a deep breath of the morning air. She stood staring out at the horizon, in jeans and an old Army tee of hers. She had gone for a run and then came home to take a burning hot shower, just to feel something. It seemed she had gone numb, even without the liquor. Without anything. She was just numb. She glanced to the side as the door opened; she saw Lander come out of the house. She turned back to the horizon.

“Sandy?”

“Just thinking, Lando.”

“What are we going to do?”

“You are going to keep the vultures off the property. While I deal with the funeral home.”

“Do you know their wishes?”

“I talked to them when I almost didn’t come back on my first tour.”

Lander winced at that reminder; he never really saw the front lines in the war. Lysandra did. “When are you going?”

“They open at eight.”

“You think dad’s family will try something?”

“Considering I haven’t called them yet?” She shook her head. “No. I will call them after I make all the arrangements.”

“You want help?” His voice caught just thinking of calling people to tell them of his parents’ deaths.

“No. You guys shouldn’t have to make those calls. Nobody should. But I will call them. I am sure the church will make an announcement at mass tomorrow.”

“You actually are going to go?”

Lysandra sighed; “You know my feelings, Lander. Not all of us are as devoted as mom and you. I saw too much over there, Lander. Too much to ever be a black and white type person when it comes to God.”

“But you still believe, right?” Lander asked in a small whisper.

Lysandra didn’t turn to face him. She wanted to tell him the truth that she didn’t know. But, instead, she took a breath and said, “of course, I do.”

Lander nodded. “You will talk to us later, right?”

Lysandra nodded, “Of course, there are many choices we will have to discuss over the coming weeks, least of all if you all want me to buy you out or not.” Lysandra was quite wealthy on her own, plus her inheritance, she was worth enough to be on those richest bachelorette lists.

Lander nodded. “I will want that. I already know I have no desire to stay in Iowa.”

Lysandra just nodded and then flipped her wrist to check the time. “I am going to leave, watch the others.”

Lander nodded; “See you when you get back.”