Chapter Two Part One

Keep Breathing: Back To The Grind

“A Broken Man Can Beat The Devil…

Or Become What Even God May Fear…”

The group session this morning was sort of bittersweet. Even to Jay. The last he would have with these people. Last time he hoped to see these people, to be honest. Well, maybe not Ebonie. She was becoming a great friend. She understood him. She had gone to the Army. She was a Trauma Surgeon for the Army. She had gotten injured trying to save another doctor. That doctor did not make it. And she had to be on painkillers and had gotten addicted to Dilaudid. She had gotten an honorable discharge, and was going to be a General and Trauma Surgeon at one of the local hospitals. They had both decided to go to the same church for meetings. And she had rented an apartment not far from him. They created their own support system. 

He knew he had a lifelong battle ahead of him. He was not an idiot. He never wanted to be back in the hell of addiction. That is what it was. He had no control. And he was a man who thrived on having complete control of his whole life. Ever since his father put him in the hospital when he was fifteen, he had fought for control in every single aspect of his life. He has gone from a skinny, scrawny kid with an arm to a perfectly muscled jock turned Marine. He kept his regiment up from his days in the Marines. It has more than once saved his life in his chosen career. He was fit. He was getting back to where he was before the drugs. The drugs had made him lose weight. Weight he could not have afforded to lose, as he was mostly muscle. In fact, before the whole undercover mission, his doctor wanted him to gain ten to twenty pounds. And he had been doing well. In fact, it made him bulk up better. But then the drugs and now he had to regain muscle lost. He had to regain weight lost. Yes, his addiction was hell.

But he would make his way through this hell. He would. He promised his best friend. He swore it to himself. He had a chance at life. Something taken away from his brother so long ago.

Damn therapy and making him think of David.

Therapy was another thing. Yeah, he saw a department therapist each time he had to fire his gun. Each time he came back from undercover. Each time he investigated a murder. Because it was required. But he was cleared and sent along his way after talking about the present. Rowen wanted to drag everything from the past into the light.

Rowen stated by dragging everything out now, it would help Jay with any triggers in the future. The past is hard. And the most random thing can bring the past to the front of the mind; and with his tragic past, it could trigger a relapse. 

Therapy was one of the hardest things he has had to go through. He actually has to face the abuse from his father. The death of his brother and the reasons behind it. Damn it, David should have told that fucking psycho kid where to find him. He shook his head. Screw it, he was going to take a nap. Sleep helped him not to think… Well, as long as the nightmares stayed away.

Nightmares that had Jay sitting up with silent screams torn from his throat. He had long ago learned to stay silent. Nathan Clossen was a mean bastard. Deserved everything that happened to him, mean bastard. Jay never shed a tear for that man. He long ago shed his last tears for the dad he deserved and not the father he received.

“Hey, Jay.” Ebonie knocked at his door with a smile.

“Ebonie.”

“You find a sponsor yet?”

“No, but they said it was normal. And honestly, trust was, and still is, very hard for me. I tend to run from emotions. Sponsors are supposed to be the one you can trust.” Jay sighed; he sat back and rubbed his face. Huh, a beard. Thirty days in here and he has a nice beard going, his hair a bit darker than normal, a few greys. He shook his head. Focusing on the little things helped him not focus on the craving in his chest. “You?”

Ebonie shrugged; “maybe. There is this woman that goes to the noon one every day. You probably noticed her. She is kind. A bit like me. Surgeon. Cardio, instead of Trauma and General. But she is becoming a friend.”

“That is good. Friends are good. I have my friends. Most are on the force. They know what I am going through.” Jay gave a humorless chuckle. “Most of us have done time in narcotics and under cover. Most have been here. You need friends too. Does she work at your new hhospital”

“Yep. She is chief of Cardio there. So, at least on my first day I will know someone.”

“You are going to kick ass. Pity you aren’t just a family doc. I sometimes want to strangle mine.”

Ebonie laughed as she plopped down next to him. “That is because he is telling you to eat less red meat. You know a veggie won’t kill ya.”

“Why take the chance? I mean, it isn’t like I don’t eat any veggies. I like peppers, potatoes, and brussel sprouts.”

Ebonie laughed and gave Jay an one-armed hug. “Look, I am going to hit up a meeting. You wanna come?”

Jay shrugged; as he stood. “Why not?”

They got into the rehab center’s van for the last time. They walked into the meeting. They took seats in the back. Jay did not feel like talking today. He nudged Ebonie and pointed toward the donuts. With her eye roll, he stood and went over to the table. He eyed them before poking one. His eyes went wide. Soft. He happily then put four on a plate and got three cups of coffee. He had seen the woman, that must be the other doctor, slide into the chair on the other side of Ebonie. He turned and almost ran into a man with blood-shot eyes. “Sorry.”

“No, I am. I am a bit of a mess. I… I am going to leave my wife. She cheated on me.”

Jay winced at that pain. “Fuck, cheaters are the worse. Been there man. Hey, grab a coffee and a donut or few and come sit with us.” He nodded his head toward the back row.

“Thanks.” He grabbed a couple of donuts and coffee. “I am Richard, by the way.”

“Jay.” He smiled; “Ebonie!” He walked over and handed over the two coffees. “This is Richard.”

“Hello! I am Ebonie, and this is Alexandra. She was named after the library.”

“Damn people who burned that grand library down. I am still upset about that.” Jay stated with a grin on his face. Though he was serious. He loved ancient texts. It is how he had learned so many languages over the year. Languages helped him understand people. And understanding and studying people was his passion. It helped him catch the bad guys. Save the people who needed saving. 

Richard chuckled; he sat down next to them. “You should meet my baby brother. He thinks the same. Though, I am sorta upset about that too. I mean, thing about the law books that burned. Ancient laws helped shape our modern laws.”

“Lawyer? Defense?” Jay narrowed his eyes. He loathed defense lawyers.

“Prosecutor. I like putting the bad guys behind bars.”

Jay smiled. “You are okay, then! I loathe defense lawyers. Always trying to get the scum I throw in jail out on technicalities.”

“Cop?”

“Detective. Narcotics and Homicide. But I am just going to focus on Homicide and cold cases from now own. Gonna promote Derek, Derek Hunter, to head of Narcotics. I blew my chances to stay undercover with this recent assignment.”

“I know Hunter. I hate having him on the stand. He does not believe in sugarcoating things.”

Jay chuckled; “we are all like that. Most of us have done undercover work, and things get a little gritty. We have a vocabulary that would get us kicked out of church if we didn’t clean up well.”

“I am shocked I never had you on my stand.”

“I tend to stay undercover. So, I don’t do many court appearances. One or two. But not many. Probably be more now that I am giving up narcotics.”

“Well, I hope if I have you on my stand in the future, you will clean up your language.”

“If it puts the bad buy away, I will show up in a three-piece suit.” Jay laughed as he demolished the four donuts.

“You help the stereotype.” Richard looked at him with wide eyes.

Jay shrugged. “I like sweet.”

Richard laughed; “so do I!” He pulled a sucker out of his pocket. “I tend to stick with hard candies, though.”

Jay chuckled; “sweet tooth. You like pie?”

“Adore pie!” Richard and Jay were then lost to a conversation about baked goods, and the pros and cons (there were not any) of pie.

Ebonie looked at Alexandria. “We lost them. We lost them to pie.”

The meeting started soon afterwards. Richard stood. He had to talk. Jay moved and squeezed his arm. He did not know Richard well, but he had a feeling this started a lifelong friendship.

Richard nodded and went to the front. “I am Richard. I am almost five years sober. But today is a bad day. This week is a bad week. This month is a bad month. I have never been so tempted to go find anything that can numb me. My drug of choice is something so simply given to people. Vicodin. I had been hurt. A person I had put away hired someone to kill me; they missed my chest but ripped a chunk of muscle out of my shoulder and upper arm. It took me three years to realize I was addicted. It took me another three to become sober again. When I found myself offering a deal to a drug dealer if he could get me the morphine, I knew I hit rock bottom. And now I want that numbness once more. My brother told me last month my wife is cheating on me. I love this woman. I have been in love with her since we were kids. When I graduated law school, Yale, she jumped at dating me, finally. We married. Now, I know she just wants my money. I am not a rich man. She keeps wanting me to switch sides. But I can’t. I have to get justice for people. I filed moved out my house today. I am living out of a suitcase in a hotel room. I filed for divorce today. And the first thing I wanted was a painkiller. I wanted to be numb. Instead, I came here.” Richard sighed as he ran his hand through his hair. “I came here, and I remembered the person I was back then. I was talking to someone new, and for a moment my mind wasn’t on the fact my wife is a cheating, adulterous whore. But it was on things like pie, how my job made me happy, how the little things make up moments of time, that outweigh the need for that pain-killing drug.”

Richard looked out at the people, new and old. “The storm is coming. My life is changing. I can’t change other people. I can’t keep hoping she will change. All that I know right now is that I am sober. I am breathing. I am fighting through this hurt. I wanted her to change. I want to continue to gain justice for those who need it. I don’t want to sell out and destroy myself for her. I can’t wait for her to change. All I can do is take one day at a time. Breathe. And fight the cravings for oblivion by remembering how much I want to change this world. Starting with my life, and myself. Because I will be of no help to anybody if I give into this pain. Thank you for supporting me. Because all we can do is keep breathing.”

Jay nodded. He understood that. Told a million times to go one day at a time. But it took someone else in his same shoes to really hit that home. After the meeting, Jay stood with Richard while Alexandria and Ebonie chatted about Ebonie starting work on Monday.

“So, who is your sponsor?” Richard asked, as they made fresh cups of coffee. “Not terrible coffee, most of the time we get old burnt coffee.”

“I will bring my own. I get enough of that sludge at the station. I admit I am a bit of a coffee snob.”

Richard snorted; “I just want it hot and black. And not having the consistency of tar.”

“Always a good thing for it to actually be a liquid.” Jay laughed. “But no, no sponsor, yet. Haven’t really connected with anybody but Ebonie, and now you. “

“Well, I am open to be yours. Never done it before. But I figure we run mostly in the same circles. And with you being on the police force, me in the prosecutor’s office, and my brother a paramedic, chances are we are going to cross now that you won’t be undercover anymore.”

Jay thought about it and slowly nodded his head. “Makes sense!” Jay took out a card from his back pocket and wrote his cell on the back. “Cell on the back. Office on the front. I don’t care what is proper, but this is a two-way street. You need someone to talk to, you call.”

Richard nodded and passed over his business card, which already had his cell phone on it. “Day or night. I know a good place to get pie.”

Jay laughed; “and if they are closed, we can always just go to mine. I back quite well.”

“I burn water.” Richard laughed and grabbed another donut as he leaned back to chat with Jay.

Soon it was time for Ebonie and Jay to go back to the center. It was their last day, and they still had a group meeting, the individual discharges to go through, and then wait for the ride that is supposed to pick you up. Because nobody has their own car. Which annoyed Jay greatly. He loved his truck. Which means hours of being bored.

Jay was bored. Insanely bored. So bored, he ended up eating a bag of mini donuts. He was going to pay for that when he went to the gym this weekend. When he was bored in the past, he would go to a bar and find anybody to make him just feel for a moment. Yeah, he was a slut. When he was undercover, there were men and women always willing to warm his bed. During those hours, he was not alone with his own mind. He was not numb. Only other thing to give him that rush was the drugs.

Now he had to find his way back to himself. And these thirty days were a good start. He had people actually listening. Just not the bottle at the bar. Not the drugs. No, actual people. He always knew he had a support system; but his lowest point drove it home. He had people who loved and cared for him. He had people in his life.

He was going to make a great comeback. Leaving the undercover world. He was going to make it out of this hell alive. He was not a fool. He knew there would be cravings. Bad days. People always said they cannot go back in time. That was true. People cannot go back to the way things were. They cannot go backwards. But they can forge a path in front of them and make a better future. They can learn from their mistakes. And that is what Jay was going to do. He was going to take this experience and make himself a better detective. A better person. A better man. Because this hell was not going to break him.

That he swore to himself.

Maybe thought it was time to stop sleeping around. Maybe it was time to look for that magic person, the one that would be there when he fell asleep, and still be there when he woke up. Look for somebody who would love him through the darkest part of his night and the brightest part of his day. Someone who would listen to him babble as he gathered his thoughts. Someone that would appreciate him. Someone someone that would call him on his bullshit. He thought he had found that out of the Marines. But she had taken his heart and made him love her and her son and then shattered it. But he still stayed in touch with Zander. He gave a smile as he thought of the kid. He was graduating from high school and going to college. He was part of the NROTC. He was damn proud of the kid. That kid helped him grow up. From the angry bastard he was when he joined the Marines and the defeated Marine he came back as from war. 

Zander was coming out for the summer before college. He could not wait to see the kid. Zander just sent him his college admission essay. He talked about how his hero was a simple man. Talked about the man he called dad. How this man, no matter if his mother had left this man, had stayed in touch. Not just birthdays and Christmases, but was there for every up and down. How that Zander hoped he became half the man that Jay had been. 

Jay had teared up reading that essay. The kid he loved as his own, was his own, had written about him. Zander did call Jay dad. Came and stayed with him in the summers, winter breaks. Zander was his son through everything but blood. He had not seen the kid but through video calls for two years. And was anticipating picking the kid up from the airport next month. But for now, he had to get through this boring ass day.

Maybe he could just leave.

Maybe go fishing.

He has not been fishing for almost three years.

He sighed as he leaned his head back against the chair in his room.

Today was his last day in rehab. A month had passed. Barely let out, besides to start going to meetings and to see how his pup was doing in his training. He was scrolling through social media. That is how bored he was at the moment. Though he did find this nice little comic by Ross Young called Beezy & Grim. Gave him a nice little chuckle. For that one moment, he was not bored. But that was it. Now he just wanted out of here. Pick up Rex. And then sleep in his own damn bed.

Of course, he would have to deal with his friends. They ask him a million times if he is okay. If he needs anything. He gets their concern about his welfare. Hell, half of them have been in the same spot and he had helped them a lot. Picking them up out of the gutter. Making sure nothing destroyed their career. He picked up a deck of cards. He could only count the flowers on the wall so many times. He put his cigarette up to his lips and took a long drag. Nicotine and caffeine with some beer was all he was allowed to have now. He was about halfway through the game of solitaire when he realized it was a deck of fifty-one. The ace of spades was missing. He raised an eyebrow. Omen? His mother used to be superstitious. And some old fortune teller used to tell his mother that the Ace of Spades symbolized death. He shook his head. He got up and dropped the deck into the trash. He was going to go sneak a pudding from the kitchen.

He was about back to his room when he was stopped by another patient. Jay internally winced. Lee was gabby, and they got along like fire and ice. “Lee.”

“Jay! I am worried about you. Tennant said that you always seem so withdrawn when we are in group meetings.”

“I am fine. Never a sharing type.” Jay leaned against the wall and crossed his arms. “I had my mind on fishing.” Jay smirked.

“You should have been paying attention.”

“Hey, checking out during the religious parts is my thing. I and God got our own thing going on. God, she don’t need another fool just going through the motions. She needs to talk to me, she can strike me down again. And I will give her my thoughts. Lee, you are a religious guy. I ain’t. So, I am going to taking my pudding, go back to my room, then go to our last group session, then I am going to get checked out, go get my pick up truck, get my dog, and then you know what?” Lee shook his head. “I am going to my pup fishing. Because I rather be on a lake than in one of those hard ass chairs listening to how God can help me through this rough patch. No, I am going to help myself through this rough patch. Just like I have since I was a child. So, back the fuck off, Lee.” With that, Jay left with his stolen pudding and went back to his room to count the flowers on the wall until it was time for group.

They were sitting in group, going around talking about what was next for them all. They got to Jay. “Jay, do you want to speak?” Tennant looked at him over his glasses.

Jay was slouched down in the chair with his feet, and arms crossed. Jay sighed, as he sat up. “Next for me, is going back to work. I am going to work on catching killers. You know the people going around killing people? It is my job to arrest them. Then the lawyers fight back and forth to put them in prison. And it is my job to get the evidence that the leaches known as defence lawyers don’t get them off. Because they belong in a cell rotting until their natural death.”

“Jay, you seem angry today. Lee told me about your conversation in the hall.”

“Look, I am bored. I am here thinking about fishing.”

“That is random. You haven’t talked about fishing before.”

“Being undercover, you don’t get a chance to do your type of activities much. You wear a persona, a mask, and you become that persona, that mask, and you can’t drop it. Even in private, to do so may mean you make a mistake, and that can get you killed. And the thought hit me today. And I just need to do something that is me. Not the personas I made, but me. And being here, it is another mask. I have to sugarcoat my thoughts, I have to censor myself. Not because I want to, but because I have to do so; because some things aren’t for the average public person.” Jay sighed. “Things are always on my mind, who I really am. I am always on my mind. I wear a mask. There are moments in a day that it falls. In the dawn of the day, when the dew is on the grass, I have a few moments of peace. But, by the time the sun is setting on the day, all the people see is the persona I had to make to protect myself. It has been like this since I was a child. It is what made me so great at my job. You judge me. My life is ‘hey batter, batter, batter, batter, swing. You don’t stop and think. You have to step up to the plate, and you make a choice. In that moment, in that moment, you swing or you strike out. And to strike out in a moment in my life could mean death. And yeah, when I had to create a persona of someone that liked drugs, sold drugs, hurt people, yeah, it was an escape. Yeah, when I OD’d, it was to stop my mind. It runs so fast. Sometimes it is like walking on broken glass; it is like putting lemon juice on a cut, sometimes. It hurts. And the drugs, yeah, stopped my thoughts from flowing. So, I took the out. I took it. And now, I have to find myself again. This isn’t just about getting clean, this is about finding who I am. Yes, getting clean is important, but that is not the hardest part. These thirty days, didn’t even help with more than getting me clean and through withdrawal. The appointments with Doc, they help but this is going to be a huge uphill battle, while walking broken glass. So, yeah, sometimes, just sometimes, I am sick of people trying to push religion, or happiness down my throat. Because I don’t know who the fuck I am anymore!”

“There you are! You just got to the root of your addiction!” Tennant looked to pleased with himself.

Jay opened his mouth to tell the man to fuck off, but it was too much work to explain that he had this issue before he was even addicted. The root of his addiction was the fact someone gave him the damn out to have one. Then he found it slowed his damn mind. He took a deep breath and sat back; he was done with this last day session.

After the session, they were starting with individual discharges, done by their primary shrink. Thankfully for Jay, Robert was there early that day. “Doc!”

Robert turned and smiled. “Don’t worry, Jay. I am filling out your paperwork now. We will have you sprung from this place by five.”

“That is great, Doc! I really wanna get out of here, and Kate is picking me up.”

“Good! Well, let me finish this, we will talk for a few minutes, then I will get you out of here.” Robert smiled and clasped Jay’s shoulder.

Jay forced a smile and brought his shoulders down like he was stretching his neck. “See you in a bit, Doc. I have to finish packing.” He rushed off to his room, even though he had finished backing days ago, and put what he used the last three days in a laundry bag. He hated when people touched him. It made his skin feel like something was crawling on it, pin pricks along his skin. He had to be comfortable with a person before they could touch him causally. Sex was different. Drinks. Fun. Sex. Leave. But casual touches like a pat on the back were a no. Not unless Jay was close to them.

Jay finally was leaving! Kate threw his bags in the car as he was signing out. He sprinted to the cat. “To my place!” He yelled as he accepted his pocket knife and cut off that horrible, annoying, and itchy wristband.

“Don’t get mad, Jay.” Kate said as she pulled onto the road. “But why didn’t you stop once you gained their trust?”

Jay sighed; he kept nothing from her. “By the time I got high enough, the drugs, they were my everything. I mean we joked about a coffee addiction, but can live without it, though it is a rough couple of days, but this… I knew what I was doing was killing me but I could not stop. Fuck, Kate, I can’t even explain it to myself anymore.”

“Don’t stress, Jay.”

“I am not. But sometimes it still messes with my head. I am thirty-five days clean and sober again.”

“Jay…”

“I am happy I am sober, Kate. But this is going to be a huge change for me. I lived a wild life for the last two years. It was guys, girls, drinks, and drugs, constantly. It was party after party. Then after that, there were more drugs. Killing. I saw so much shit. Shit, I could do nothing about. Fuck. I always had to wait for the other shoe to fall. Would they figure out I was a cop? Would something I said blow my cover? It was insane. I had to forget me. I had to become Jimmy Mutherfucking Andrews. It took me away. It took my breath away every time I had to bury Jay down further. I took the out drugs gave. I took the high. I took the guys, the girls, to my bed, just so I didn’t have to wake up alone. Everything took me and pushed Jay so far down that I don’t remember me anymore. I was wild. I was Jimmy. And I had to kill Jimmy. I did. And now I have to find Jay again. Fuck, talking to that doc has me shrinking myself.”

Kate grabbed his hand as they drove down the highway. “Don’t worry Jay. We will find Jay again. Even if it takes a bit of time. You are still Jay. And will forever be Jay.”

“Thanks, Kate. It is just finding my way back to normal that is going to be hard.”

Kate squeezed his hand. “Remember, Jay, normal is boring.”

Jay laughed as Kate pushed down on the gas pedal.